Dear Mother Nature:

What the HELL?!! Every year people have been geared with basements filled with salt, and refrigerators stocked with milk and eggs waiting to go bad because the fools at all the weather channels who invested millions of dollars in their Doppler 2000’s swear this is the year of the impending doom with Nor’easters and Blizzards of the century.

You confuse the hell out of us with your buzz about global warming, how all the glaciers are melting, our polar bears are dying and bees are disappearing. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Glaciers melting!?! I have a glacier hanging off the end of my nose as we speak.

I swear you are totally screwing with us and I had just about enough. Every year you threaten us and it never pans out and now this year you dump 1000 feet of snow on us in 2 months. What has changed to make you so angry? It really would help if you get it off your chest. Saplings misbehaving? Old man winter hitting the bottle again? The tides messing with your cycle?

Mama, the people of Earth need a break. There is only so much strength left in us to shovel yet another buried car. My roof is weak as it is, are you trying to make it collapse? You tease us with its beauty when it first falls but then we are left with the sludge, the 12 foot mounds on the side of the road, and the icy sidewalks.

Now there are talks of yet another storm next week; bigger and badder then the last you say. If this continues who knows what could happen. All the salt consumption could affect the oceans and kill off all the saltwater sea life. All the migrating birds will die off because it will be winter and cold everywhere and no place to fly south. Baseball season will not exist and the Phillies will not have the chance to reign supreme yet again.These are just a few things you should take into consideration before you go spewing off your mouth with more threats of a Snowpocalypse (oh, and come on…snowpocalypse…a bit dramatic don’t you think). I don’t know, maybe you’re still pissed about the butter-margarine thing from the 70’s but that was then so lets move on. A predictable boring rest of the winter would be much appreciated. Thanks.

CT