1. Books are useless: I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird” – and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

2. Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip!

3. Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

4. All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

5. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand

6. Son, when you take part in sporting events – it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.

7. You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.

8. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

9. Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?

10. Donuts…is there anything they can’t do?