It Ain't Hemingway

In keeping with the Kings of Leon Home Movies idea, I’ve decided to create a list of what I need to do to prepare for the KOL concert in Philly on April 25th. No doubt you are asking yourself, “Why do you need to prepare-just show up!” Oh contrar mon frites, there is lots to do to prepare for a Kings of Leon concert. It’s quite involved so take notes and follow my daily updates for the next 23 days.

Thursday April 2, 2009
1. Start Lifting Weights– Certainly not for aesthetic reasons, but to build up muscle to survive the GA section. I’m no dummy, I’ve been reading the stories about the wild chicks freaking out, pushing, shoving and passing out. I’m just making sure I can handle a smack-down if need be. One shove and I will bring that bitch down! I may very well wear a helmet too! (and I am not ruling out juicing either)

Stay tuned for tomorrows entry…

Friday April 3, 2009
2. Find a Good, Reliable, and Honest Drug Dealer-This shouldn’t be to hard since there seems to be at least one or 2 on every street in my neighborhood. How do I know this? By the sneakers hanging over the telephone line. Yup, for those of you who are unfamiliar, that is the meaning behind that urban tradition. And if a dealer is shot or dies, then you may very well see about 100 of them over the line.

I need to seek out the best Pineapple Express I can find; not for myself, (those days are over) but to create a trail from the tour bus to my house.  Maybe I should just attach it to my helmet like mistletoe and light it up for an aromatic allure. (hmmm…need to research this further)

UPDATE: After many sketches and meetings with my crack staff of engineers, I think I have developed a contraption for the aforementioned helmet. It’s a combination Olympic torch/bong that will be welded on top of my helmet. I call this the “Lids on Fire-4:20 series.” (see comments for working prototype-created by my #1 wierdo, Jennifer)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

3. Purchase Day-Glo orange hunting vest. Caleb’s guitar needs to know where to find me. I may spray paint the helmet Day-Glo orange too. Maybe additional stick on reflectors will be helpful.

Sunday, April 5 2009

4. Get my Gun Show Membership Card laminated-Should be good for free access backstage right? Or at least the After Party!

(and whomever took the time to make this thank you!…seriously I could NEVER find the time to create something like this at 3am when I’m  bored, wide awake, in a state of delirium, and spending way too much time fawning over Rock Stars…nope wasn’t me..Ugh, I need to start reading or up my meds.)

Monday April 6, 2009

5. Start saving for a La Perla Bra to throw on stage. Oh yes, this is the only band who is $300 La Perla worthy. Leave the Victoria Secrets made in China crap for the Pete Wentz and John Mayer types. I’m aiming for Nathan but if it hits Caleb (who I seem to fancy a bit more then Nathan these days) so be it. All I ask is that it’s proudly displayed on the tour bus (You can sleep with it under your pillow boys but play fair and share). I’m getting the DDs not that I am actually DD but let’em think it.

Tues April 7, 2009

6. Find God….oop! sorry, wrong list.

Wednesday April 8, 2009

7. Cover myself in “POP” tarts…I have a sneaking suspicion it may help the cause.

Thursday April 9, 2009

8. TAILGATE!!!! This my friends is a list with in a list
What to bring

1. Cheesesteaks
2. Hoagies
3. Tasty Cakes
4. Cream Cheese
5. Soft Pretzels
6. Yuengling
7. The Rocky Statue
8. Batteries ( for Sam)
9. Mummer’s String Band for some pre-show entertainment. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the banjo version of Black Thumbnail (or are they ukulele’s?).

Friday April 10, 2009

9. Bring a Puke Bucket for C-ass-wiggly diggly. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A GIF OF CALEBs ASS WIGGLE AT THE END OF MSN CONCERT SERIES BLACK THUMBNAIL FOR ME? That one little move alone has kicked Nathan to the curb and I am now full on Team Caleb. No doubt he’ll be nervous knowing I’m out there. (My reasoning for his nerves: My wit and charm have won his heart through the airwaves of the interweb; these powers of mine are special…hmmm maybe I should add a cape to the outfit. His possible reasoning for the nerves: Imagining the duct tape and blind-fold I may have in the trunk of my car). I also just found a pic of The C-Factor in the shirtless vest look. I vote the new family band uniform, who’s with me?

Can I Get an AMEN!

Sat April 11, 2009

10. Nix the La Perla. Weave together a bra and panty set out of Weed.
Thinking the La Perla would be lost on them. Kind of a middle man thing that just slows the process. Pot Panties-that’s like screwing 2 birds with one stoner…huh?

Sunday April 12, 2009

11. Where do babies come from? a little DVD just in case Caleb is still questioning the process.

Monday April, 13, 2009

12. Remember to beat myself over the head with a bat for doing 23 days, when I should have only done 14 days tops. Hey, nobody’s that funny not even Letterman, and he’s got a team of writers…ugh!

Tuesday April 14, 2009

13.  TAXES?!??!!! I’m screwed!!!! Damn it to hell Followills…I blame you for being so distracting (yes, I’m cheating…deal…oh God, on the game as in buying time, no way shape or form am I cheating on my taxes)!!!

Wednesday April 15, 2009

14. Plastic Surgeon on Stand-By. I swear to God, if I get close enough to Matthew I will bum rush that stage and bite those damn dimples right off his face. Between the Pineapple Express, tailgating cocktails, lack of sleep, random substance and just losing it in general; I cannot be responsible for my actions. Seriously, its in KOL’s best interest to up security. I cannot stress this fact enough.  Matthew could be left with 2 gaping holes on his face, not pretty.

Thursday April, 16 2009

15. Bring Sharpie’s I’m sure they will want my autograph and will be waiting for me after the show by my bus…stop.

Friday April, 17 2009

16. Practice Writing Really Small. I’m gonna need to fit “It Ain’t Hemingway Was Here” on those teeny weeny asses of theirs. Not an easy task.

Saturday April 18, 2009

17. Surveillance Camera‘s set up outside each fancy Philly Hotel for 24 hour observation. Rent Van for monitoring camera’s. Black Cargo’s, sneakers, Kevlar vest, and hire the make up man from Mission Impossible.

Sunday April 19, 2009

18. Rent Bell Hop, Maid, Consierge, outfits. Also fake stache, wigs, contacts, and shave off fingerprints. No evidence can be left behind.

Monday April 20, 2009

19. Once I gain access to the hotel rooms steal all Baylin’s Hair care products. What the hell is her secret?!?!

Tuesday April 21, 2009

20. Beef up security around my mailbox. If I find a defaced copy of Old Man and the Sea, I will lose my shit!

Wednesday April 22, 2009

21, Sneak into the Spectrum abduct the dude who feeds Nathan his sippy straw beer during the show. Quickly change into My St. Pauli Girl outfit and serve my favorite man like a good little barmaid.

Thursday April 23, 2009

22. Therapy Therapy Therapy– one more tweet about nether regions and pantless drumming and I’m done.

Friday April 24, 2009

23. It’s Friday somewhere right? No list this time, just a few words to the fella’s.  Enjoy yourself in our lovely city of Philadelphia where if we love ya, we LOVE ya, if we don’t Duck!  Jared, you’ll earn extra points if you dig that old Phillies jersey out of the back of your closet and wear it on stage.  The Spectrum is being torn down in the fall so why don’t you boys get the demo started by blowing the roof off the joint!! Have a blast and I’ll see you in your hotel closet after the show. ( I’ll still be wearing the St. Pauli Girl get-up. *wink wink* )