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In keeping with the Kings of Leon Home Movies idea, I’ve decided to create a list of what I need to do to prepare for the KOL concert in Philly on April 25th. No doubt you are asking yourself, “Why do you need to prepare-just show up!” Oh contrar mon frites, there is lots to do to prepare for a Kings of Leon concert. It’s quite involved so take notes and follow my daily updates for the next 23 days.

Thursday April 2, 2009
1. Start Lifting Weights– Certainly not for aesthetic reasons, but to build up muscle to survive the GA section. I’m no dummy, I’ve been reading the stories about the wild chicks freaking out, pushing, shoving and passing out. I’m just making sure I can handle a smack-down if need be. One shove and I will bring that bitch down! I may very well wear a helmet too! (and I am not ruling out juicing either)

Stay tuned for tomorrows entry…

Friday April 3, 2009
2. Find a Good, Reliable, and Honest Drug Dealer-This shouldn’t be to hard since there seems to be at least one or 2 on every street in my neighborhood. How do I know this? By the sneakers hanging over the telephone line. Yup, for those of you who are unfamiliar, that is the meaning behind that urban tradition. And if a dealer is shot or dies, then you may very well see about 100 of them over the line.

I need to seek out the best Pineapple Express I can find; not for myself, (those days are over) but to create a trail from the tour bus to my house.  Maybe I should just attach it to my helmet like mistletoe and light it up for an aromatic allure. (hmmm…need to research this further)

UPDATE: After many sketches and meetings with my crack staff of engineers, I think I have developed a contraption for the aforementioned helmet. It’s a combination Olympic torch/bong that will be welded on top of my helmet. I call this the “Lids on Fire-4:20 series.” (see comments for working prototype-created by my #1 wierdo, Jennifer)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

3. Purchase Day-Glo orange hunting vest. Caleb’s guitar needs to know where to find me. I may spray paint the helmet Day-Glo orange too. Maybe additional stick on reflectors will be helpful.

Sunday, April 5 2009

4. Get my Gun Show Membership Card laminated-Should be good for free access backstage right? Or at least the After Party!

gun-club-carad

(and whomever took the time to make this thank you!…seriously I could NEVER find the time to create something like this at 3am when I’m  bored, wide awake, in a state of delirium, and spending way too much time fawning over Rock Stars…nope wasn’t me..Ugh, I need to start reading or up my meds.)

Monday April 6, 2009

5. Start saving for a La Perla Bra to throw on stage. Oh yes, this is the only band who is $300 La Perla worthy. Leave the Victoria Secrets made in China crap for the Pete Wentz and John Mayer types. I’m aiming for Nathan but if it hits Caleb (who I seem to fancy a bit more then Nathan these days) so be it. All I ask is that it’s proudly displayed on the tour bus (You can sleep with it under your pillow boys but play fair and share). I’m getting the DDs not that I am actually DD but let’em think it.

Tues April 7, 2009

6. Find God….oop! sorry, wrong list.

Wednesday April 8, 2009

7. Cover myself in “POP” tarts…I have a sneaking suspicion it may help the cause.

Thursday April 9, 2009

8. TAILGATE!!!! This my friends is a list with in a list
What to bring

1. Cheesesteaks
2. Hoagies
3. Tasty Cakes
4. Cream Cheese
5. Soft Pretzels
6. Yuengling
7. The Rocky Statue
8. Batteries ( for Sam)
9. Mummer’s String Band for some pre-show entertainment. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the banjo version of Black Thumbnail (or are they ukulele’s?).

 

Friday April 10, 2009

9. Bring a Puke Bucket for C-ass-wiggly diggly. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A GIF OF CALEBs ASS WIGGLE AT THE END OF MSN CONCERT SERIES BLACK THUMBNAIL FOR ME? That one little move alone has kicked Nathan to the curb and I am now full on Team Caleb. No doubt he’ll be nervous knowing I’m out there. (My reasoning for his nerves: My wit and charm have won his heart through the airwaves of the interweb; these powers of mine are special…hmmm maybe I should add a cape to the outfit. His possible reasoning for the nerves: Imagining the duct tape and blind-fold I may have in the trunk of my car). I also just found a pic of The C-Factor in the shirtless vest look. I vote the new family band uniform, who’s with me?

 

Can I Get an AMEN!

Can I Get an AMEN!

Sat April 11, 2009

10. Nix the La Perla. Weave together a bra and panty set out of Weed.
Thinking the La Perla would be lost on them. Kind of a middle man thing that just slows the process. Pot Panties-that’s like screwing 2 birds with one stoner…huh?

Sunday April 12, 2009

11. Where do babies come from? a little DVD just in case Caleb is still questioning the process.

Monday April, 13, 2009

12. Remember to beat myself over the head with a bat for doing 23 days, when I should have only done 14 days tops. Hey, nobody’s that funny not even Letterman, and he’s got a team of writers…ugh!

Tuesday April 14, 2009

13.  TAXES?!??!!! I’m screwed!!!! Damn it to hell Followills…I blame you for being so distracting (yes, I’m cheating…deal…oh God, on the game as in buying time, no way shape or form am I cheating on my taxes)!!!

Wednesday April 15, 2009

14. Plastic Surgeon on Stand-By. I swear to God, if I get close enough to Matthew I will bum rush that stage and bite those damn dimples right off his face. Between the Pineapple Express, tailgating cocktails, lack of sleep, random substance and just losing it in general; I cannot be responsible for my actions. Seriously, its in KOL’s best interest to up security. I cannot stress this fact enough.  Matthew could be left with 2 gaping holes on his face, not pretty.

Thursday April, 16 2009

15. Bring Sharpie’s I’m sure they will want my autograph and will be waiting for me after the show by my bus…stop.

Friday April, 17 2009

16. Practice Writing Really Small. I’m gonna need to fit “It Ain’t Hemingway Was Here” on those teeny weeny asses of theirs. Not an easy task.

Saturday April 18, 2009

17. Surveillance Camera‘s set up outside each fancy Philly Hotel for 24 hour observation. Rent Van for monitoring camera’s. Black Cargo’s, sneakers, Kevlar vest, and hire the make up man from Mission Impossible.

Sunday April 19, 2009

18. Rent Bell Hop, Maid, Consierge, outfits. Also fake stache, wigs, contacts, and shave off fingerprints. No evidence can be left behind.

Monday April 20, 2009

19. Once I gain access to the hotel rooms steal all Baylin’s Hair care products. What the hell is her secret?!?!

Tuesday April 21, 2009

20. Beef up security around my mailbox. If I find a defaced copy of Old Man and the Sea, I will lose my shit!

Wednesday April 22, 2009

21, Sneak into the Spectrum abduct the dude who feeds Nathan his sippy straw beer during the show. Quickly change into My St. Pauli Girl outfit and serve my favorite man like a good little barmaid.

Thursday April 23, 2009

22. Therapy Therapy Therapy– one more tweet about nether regions and pantless drumming and I’m done.

Friday April 24, 2009

23. It’s Friday somewhere right? No list this time, just a few words to the fella’s.  Enjoy yourself in our lovely city of Philadelphia where if we love ya, we LOVE ya, if we don’t Duck!  Jared, you’ll earn extra points if you dig that old Phillies jersey out of the back of your closet and wear it on stage.  The Spectrum is being torn down in the fall so why don’t you boys get the demo started by blowing the roof off the joint!! Have a blast and I’ll see you in your hotel closet after the show. ( I’ll still be wearing the St. Pauli Girl get-up. *wink wink* )

5 minute commute to the stadium but stupid fuck here forgot her cash and God forbid the stadium parking lots upgrade to that crazy modern technology called Credit Card Machines.

My seats are not so bad; I’m on J Rod side kinda in the middle on the end. I am a walking audio-visual geek armed with my phone, my flip video camera and my digital camera. I am also wearing glasses that are not strong enough but look cool. I’m also wearing what I affectionately call my Sally Jessie Raphael’s that I bought at the dollar store. Basically they are equal to the planetarium telescope as far as magnification is concerned. I love them, but I look like a 5-year-old Jared Followill, sans white dinner coat. And do I have both pair on my head at the same time? Why yes I do, thank you very much.


Stream of Consciousness

Watchmen on, Nathan was right they are awesome.
This is my kind of music.

There are 20 musicians on the stage. Looks like half of them keep wandering on and off the stage. Interesting concept.

The lead singer is tall as hell; HE’s probably 6’2. They kinda look like frat boys.
No tight jeans.

Here comes some random dude again. The triangle player, wonder if he gets any chic’s with that as his instrument; and what about the groupie who sleeps with him at the end of the night? What is that conversation with your friends like?

Oh my God, I totally hooked up with a dude in the band!
Oh yeah? The drummer?
Umm, no the triangle player.
Wha?

OK update on the wondering musicians. Turns out they are the horn section, and the triangle player is also in the horn section. Phew!

Major drunk girl sitting behind me! This could definitely be worse then the tool kit from the MSG concert. F-bomb in a high pitch squeal with a Philly accent is like nails on a chalkboard. NOTE TO SELF: Stop saying fuck in public so much and be conscious of saying YES and not YEEH. This chick makes me want to be a better woman.

Horns are amazing! Watchmen are rocking. Seriously, I love it when a band makes me say hmm, must hear more. The lead singer has a great voice and the music sounds awesome.

Gah!!! It’s the Walkmen!!!! I never get it right. It’s the Yogi Berra in me. Sorry guys u rock though, even if your not super heroes.

I wonder if they “rent out” the horn section for the gig, this band cannot be this big.

Really mixed crowd, young/old/gross/ not so gross/drunk/sober…

Dear God:
Please no tall Dudes in front of me this time? Thank you! Love you! Bye. Click. Dial tone (I am determined to make that joke work).

Walkman just held that note for a good 1 ½ minutes?!
What lungpower…wonder how long he can swim under water.

Very nice girl just sat down next to me…no doubt we will be BFFs by the end of the night. Happens every time. No one can resist my charm.

Horn section whistles too. Is that extra in the rental contract? Yes! The horn section is a rental from NYC and this is their last night with the Walkmen.

Walkmen have finished.

And the roadies take over. Man, they work fast. What is all the equipment I mean so much is involved with setting up. I wonder how it makes the band feel knowing how many people depend on them for their own careers. I don’t really know how it works but really it as a reflection on their success as musicians. If you look at it on a business level it is amazing! All the way down to those assholes in the parking lot that don’t take credit cards. Does this affect their decisions as a band? That’s a lot to carry on your shoulders.

It looks like all the Flyers fans came straight from the game over to the concert. They are all wearing their bright orange t-shirt. Thank God I chose not to wear the orange hunting vest. Caleb’s poor guitar would be so confused and have a hard time finding me.

Even some of the roadies wear skinny jeans!

I swear I keep thinking I gotta pee then when I go it’s not even enough for a drug test. IGNORE THE URGE CHRISTINA! I wonder what happens if one of the guys has to go? Is it like the puke thing and they go in a bucket? These are the types of questions I would ask if I were to interview them for Rolling Stone magazine. Oy, so sick of the canned question/answer shit I keep reading over and over. Pee breaks, the people need to know!

It is 9:01. Heads up peeps, the zoom on my flip sucks.

Jared has a new guitar, black. That’s all I can tell u about it. It’s black and its cool. It looks just like the white one but its black. Hey man, I know my guitar shit what can I say.

What is up with Philly chicks? Cover the fuck up! Am I old? There is way too much cleavage in this joint and not good cleavage. It just looks slutty…and fake…and cold…I mean come on, the girls who are like 2pds and have huge fakers look like they’re gonna tip over at any second. Not even an ass as a counter-weight. Bring back the 70s real boobs no bras. Speaking of that whatever happened to Nathan’s pink drum kit? It was so cool and it always reminded me to do my monthly breast exams.

Are my jokes too obscure? Does anyone get them? Fuck it. I’m all ROFLOL over my bad self.

Lights down…getting so excited!!!!

Ugh, obstructed Jumbotron again…WTF?
Hot Dude Alert: 3 rows down…oh no, he’s wearing PINK underwear. To me that say’s “I have a secret!” Drums yes, undies no.

There are major amounts of duct tape used by the roadies. If they run out I have plenty in my trunk.

Oh, drunk girl you are like Katherine Hepburn in A Philadelphia Story, a class act.
A fight just broke out in the GA section! I just saw some girl flailing her arms around. Girl fight? Oh God. Here comes security. The crowd is pointing out the instigator to the guards. You’ve been thrown under the bus dude! He is now being escorted out. Did that girl fight him? That’s hysterical.

One of the stadiums has or had a jail and a court, but I can’t remember which one.

And cue the church music!

Here they come!!!

Crawl
Matt is wearing a vest. Apparently vests are very popular with the ladies and they will all be happy to hear he is wearing one.

Oh this just sounds awesome!!!!

Taper Jean Girl
Trying to take video, I have a clear view. The girl in front of me is like 4’9”. Caleb height.

My Party
Can we trade that in for McFearless? No?

Molly’s Chambers

Red Morning Light
Oh sweet! Didn’t expect that. This crowd seems to know the older stuff, where as the MSG crowd not so much. Everyone is buying all their older albums now I guess. I became a fan at BOTT and did the same thing. I think Aha Shake is my fav. But Fans and bucket LOVE those songs.

California Waiting
Harsh light in my eyes, I am now blind.

FANS!
Yay!!! Crowd Loves this!

Finally the smell of Pot where the hell has that been? I was starting to wonder? Oh wait, don’t think it’s the crowd…nope…its Nathan.

MILK
Another one I love.

(I will punch drunk girl and then be escorted out, but it will be worth it).

4 KICKS
Ah yes, I ordered up this one special for my gals. You know who u are ; )

Hmm Caleb just gave himself a little chest rub, OK. Well it looked like that from here.

Caleb says a few words. Says he’s impressed by the crowd and hopes they sing along. Which means…

Sex on Fire
Zzzzzz…My new bff Natalie and I are in agreement this is not our favorite. So we chat.
Philly folk are enjoying it, fun to watch.

Bucket
Geek boys in the row in front of me are rubbing each other’s bald spots. True fact.

Notion

I requested some ass wiggles and he ain’t delivering. But the jeans are nice and tight. So damn tight I would say the man is a boxer-brief dude maybe? Hmmm. He’s got some big ass feet too, at least in those boots.

ON CALL
This is the very first song of theirs I heard on the radio. Perk my head up moment. Sold!

Another fight?! This time it’s right next to me. The guard is screaming at the guy. I missed the whole thing. He’s not getting kicked out though, just a verbal ass-whoop.

Cold Desert
Matt sure knows how to make that song sound purdy. Damn he is good. The best thing those brothers ever did was kidnap him from Oklahoma.

Caleb thanks the Walkmen.

Use Somebody
Ugh guy in front of me keeps bending down to talk to his incredibly short girlfriend and obstructing my view. I knew there would be a catch. He’s like 6’2”ft. Caleb’s wishful thinking height.

Does Jared realize the audience is behind him? He spends the whole time facing the amps. Is there a mirror attached to them or something?

Slow Night So Long
Matt is gonna need some Tylenol tonight. Major head banging.

Oh no! drunk girl just fell and tried to bring my pants with her!!! How come I get accosted at all the KOL shows I go to? Well 2, but whatever.

Natalie and I chat before the encore. She is a super fan much like me and it turns out she reads my blog! She went to MSG too. We both agree this concert definitely has a better crowd.

Some royally stoned girl next to her tries to speak to me, but I have no idea what she’s saying. I just nod and smile.

CLOSER

KNOCKED UP

Caleb is trying to say something to the crowd but everyone is freaking out. He stops and laughs then continues. Humble words much like MSG.

MANHATTAN

DEVIL SONG
Does this song have a name yet?

BLACK THUMBNAIL
Oh I love this song!!! My last shot at seeing an ass wiggle. Matt plays the shit out of this song. I think I’m having a religious experience. Seriously, he can play. His abilities are best described in my very first article about KOL, titled Kings of Leon; you can find it on my blog. I’m in heaven. No lie it’s like we just made out!

No ass wiggle WTF…oh Caleb…how could you. My horny heart is broken.

And that’s it they wave good-bye! I’m sad…its over.

Its like Christmas morning, you anticipate the day for so long. Each song is like a gift that you eagerly want to open or hear in this case. You are so excited but before you know it all the gifts are open; all the songs are played and that special day is over. I will watch the video over and over but it’s never the same as being in the moment. Hopefully, they will return and I will still believe and never lose that feeling of excitement and anticipation. I’m off to call my friends much like I did when I was little, and tell them all about the wonderful gift the boys brought to my hometown.

Thank you, Thank you…you are blessed and loved!

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Dear Ladies:

As a complimentary service for your visit to our fair city while you are on tour with your fella’s, we’d like to offer you an exclusive 99% off shopping spree on the day of the concert. We offer this service to all the spouses of our visiting bands.

You will be escorted from your hotel room to an undisclosed location ( for security purposes of course) where you will find a warehouse filled with the finest of apparel, accessories and jewels all by high end designers such as Gucci, Dior, Loubitoun…OH the list will go on (once I look up some top designer names) Stella McCartney (that’s a good one right?) It’s my understanding if you put copy in Cyan blue Rock Star girlfriends can’t read it, I don’t know why I think it has to do with interviews and their fella’s not wanting them to read some stuff, goes for their parents and their kids as well.)

All we ask of you is that you leave your belongings at the front gate with our security guard. That would include the keys to your hotel room, tour bus, houses, farms, cars, etc…(again, for security purposes of course). Get Kirby groomed, apparently one of them thinks he’s twitter follow worthy and he should be a good distraction for a couple of hours.

Spend the evening shopping, take ALL the time you want. No rush, really, long into the next day if you’d like! note to self; remove all “made in China” stickers from knock offs. Make sure Granny gets started on those fake tags. Double up her arthritis meds for the week. You will have access to the finest of apparel and accessories before they go in stores. Remember to spray paint bottom of heels Red for an authentic Loubiton look at least 2 days ahead, don’t want anyone leaving red foot marks and sticking to the floor like Bono’s wife did last time. And fucking learn how to spell LOUBITON!!!

We will also be serving dinner in our private dining area off the loading dock  with cuisine from one of Philadelphia’s finest french eating establishments. Remember to order a platter from Chik-fil-a. Also get a couple of boxes of Riunite.

We hope your stay in our city is comfortable and pleasent and feel free to contact us if you have any special requests.

Thank you ladies!

Sincerely,

Your Philadelphia Welcoming Committee

Dear Jared:

I don’t usually like to post random pictures on my blog. I would like to try to keep this blog filled with interesting stories or pictures with humorous captions much like the one with Nathan’s guns, and that pic of you and Matt which was so damn cute. So as I was saying, unrelated pictures to a specific topic won’t be found in here…..

until I saw THIS!!!!

what???!!!!

what???!!!!

JTOTHEMOTHERFUCKIN’F?!?!?!

What the hell are you trying to do to me? I have resisted for years due to the fact I am old enough to be your very very very young Aunt but now you’ve just gone too far! Seriously baby Followill you need to wear that EVERY DAY or not wear that as the case may be!

Listen, we are in a recession and you need to do your little part to help out with the nations economic struggle. How you ask?

1. By bringing joy to the lives of the poor struggling ladies of the world, no matter how young (within legal limits) or how old (seriously, my mother saw this and her exact words were “WHOA!”) via bejeweled bare chested vest wearing pictures such as this.

2. Starting the shirtless  trend which no doubt J2mff wannabe’s will be copying the look thus saving cash on shirt purchases.

3. And last but not least the market will be flooded with gold necklace purchases which will then flood cash into the economy driving down the cost of precious metal in turn driving up stocks which will then stabilize the economy and all will be well with the world.

See Jacob? That’s all you need to do. You’re like a HOT Alan Greenspan. Fate is in your hands my friend.

hugs and kisses, baby!

j-to-the-mother-fuckin-f1

is the contest over? I have a last minute entry!!!

I call it Ode to “J to the mother fuckin F”
(could also work as a vanity plate)

right2

Oh hello! What’s your name? Smith?

Nice to meet you Smith. Enjoy the show…

left1

…and you? What’s your Name? Wesson?

Hello Wesson, are you two twins?

Open Letter to Kings of Leon

February 24, 2009

Dear Fella’s:

I would like to preface what I am about to say with the following; everything I write about is all in jest and I have the utmost respect for you as musician. It really is all about the quality and originality of the music you produce and by no means has anything to do with Nathan and his charming sense of humor, blue eyes, black wavy hair, tight jeans, sexy lips, square jaw or hairy chest. I am just trying to share my appreciation for your talent and the man…. I mean “the band.”

In the past several months I have been writing these darling little tales about you and my love for your music and have developed a bit of my own fan base. I thank you for being an inspiration to me and letting me ride on your coattails, but there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Every day I check my blog activity; I write for a few online sites and keeping up with the stats is all a part of a days work as I’m sure you are well aware. One issue I have come across is the huge majority of people who want to know how tall you are. Seriously, 9 out of 10 search engine results that bring me the most traffic is “How tall is Nathan, Caleb, Jared, Matthew…Nathan,” basically after the word “tall” just insert your favorite Followill….hmmm… what?!…oh.

Guys, come on! This is very important stuff the world wants to know. It is seriously the #1 search followed by Caleb Followill + Drugs, Caleb Followill + alcohol, Caleb Followill + Sex, Caleb Followill + STDs, and Caleb Followill + asshole (I’m sorry Caleb, that is really what they search for but I figure its all the HAer’s jealous boyfriends and maybe your brothers). Listen, you don’t have to write me back, just put the info in your wikipedia bio. I’m willing to sacrifice the blog hits for the inquiring minds.

And people just to give a guesstimate, I figure Caleb is probably about 6’2, so the other guys are a probably anywhere between 5’11 to 6’0. I think Nacho is probably the only short one which makes me think he may very well be a Roloff and not a Followill. Anyway, if you could do us all a solid and let us know that would be great…shoe size would be nice too….Nate, 13-14? Am I right??

Thanks,
hugs and kisses with tongue

Christina

This just in: I have it on good authority that Caleb Followill is actually 4’9″ those are some mighty high heels he wears to make up the difference.

very cheeky!

On The Road
My Journey From Philly to Madison Square Garden

Concert Ticket $44.00
Ticket Master Service Charge $1000.00
1 warm beer purchased at the Garden $1500.00
Seeing the Kings of Leon LIVE: Priceless

CHECK LIST
Wallet? Check! Keys? Check. Cash? Check! I’m Ready…CRAP! Ticket! Where the fuck is my TICKET…oh in my wallet, never mind (checks wallet 3 more times during course of journey).

I’m on the 6:15 NJ Transit train headed for NYC. The car seems to be filled with mostly commuters and no one really resembling a fellow concertgoer. It’s freezing out and the door won’t close, but that’s OK because I know soon enough I’ll be hot and sweaty.

Being one to battle the anxiety demons a few times in my life, a whole list of “worst case scenario’s” run through my head.
1. We covered the forgotten ticket but there’s also the “been sold a fake ticket by some
Savvy hacker/scalper on line.”
2. Lose or have stolen wallet, purse, keys, ID, or all of the above.
3. Journey home-missing the last train out of NY and having to sleep on the plastic bucket chairs at Penn Station.

I’m taking this journey alone tonight. Unfortunately, my friends are not Kings of Leon fans. Not that they wouldn’t be but most of them are knee deep in newborns, rug-rats, and ‘tweens. Their music library pretty much consists of; The Wiggles, Miley Cyrus, and the Jonas Bros. I have attempted to convert them by bombarding their e-mail boxes with video’s, home movies, and chest hair pictures of the boys but alas, their libido’s are on hold until the kids are off to college.

So to soldier through my long journey, I put on my headphones and cue up the “KOL” play list and get myself in concert mode.

The train fills up with more and more people as we near NYC. I can make out who are the concertgoers by their pack mentality and Jared wannabe hairdo’s.
(Check wallet 4th time to make sure ticket didn’t mysteriously fly out.)

The sudden urge to pee overwhelms me. CRAP! Ok, I’m sure I can hold out until NY.
(If you’ve ever peed in a public rest room in NYC you’ll understand my concern. Especially the Woman’s bathroom no offense sisters, but girls are gross.)

I follow the signs for Madison Square Garden. Awesome, I don’t even have to leave the building.
I’m early, there’s hardly anyone here yet. I glide past the first checkpoint. There’s a Merch table ahead and the “FOLLOWILL” T-shirt catches my eye but I decide against it. I already spent enough money on these boys tonight.
Second check point approaches, my stomach drops knowing this is where I will be turned away because of my bogus ticket.
Hmmm…. I stand corrected, the ticket is legit and I’m ushered through the turnstile.
Upon reaching my seat, I am briefly struck by a wave of altitude sickness and immediately sit down. I swallow a few times to relieve the pressure in my ears and scan the stadium. The stage looks like a miniature doll set. I close one eye and pretend to squish Nathan’s drums with my thumb and index finger. This sucks. At least there’s the Jumbotron.

It’s 8pm and The Whigs just took the stage. I have never heard their music before but I’m willing to be open-minded and I’m eager to see them perform.

The lead singer of The Whigs slurs out a greeting to the audience. Their drum set dwarfs in comparison to Nathan’s. I’m sure a lot dwarfs in comparison to what Nathan has to offer.

Stream of consciousness begins:

OK, half way through song one and I’m done. BRING ON THE BOYS!

If this place doesn’t fill up I’m heading down to below cloud level.

The Whigs look cute from way up here, like cute ant people.

The lead singer seems to have some Michael Flately Irish dance moves going on.

OMG! Is the bassist wearing UGGS?!! Oh No-My bad. Phew!

Ok, I’m getting into it now…not really_BRING ON THE KINGS!!!!!

The Whigs have officially moved from cute ants to sexy ants.

The smoke machine just started, unless Nathan just lit a spliff behind the stage.

Hmmmm I wonder if Nate is left-handed. The drummer for The Whigs has his mike to the right-hand side; Nathan’s is to the left. I noticed while watching the home movies it looked like he was golfing left-handed…did I just write that? I sense a vague hint of stalker behavior in that sentence.
(Note to self: Stop by Bellevue Hospital before heading home.)

The Whig’s “are happy to be here and will now do something off their first album,” so they tell me and the other 4 people in the audience.

Wow this guy is amazing. He’s been dancing around on one leg while playing the guitar for a good 3 minutes. It reminds me of the guys who hung outside the Methadone clinic across the street from my apartment. They could hold a Karate Kid pose for like an hour, it was very impressive.

I love it when rockers do that Mick Jagger thing with their arms. They look all lanky and double-jointed with a touch of cerebal-palsyness. The Whiggles guy just did that (Caleb does it better).

Time check! 8:17! What??? Only 15 minutes went by???

I think I just saw a roadie put a cooler next to Nathan’s drums, wow. Maybe not. but probably.

I wonder if Caleb is puking.

OK, I’m having one of those “I can’t believe I’m actually here,” moments.

As of now I do not have an obstructed view, which is very cool.

OMG! Was that Nathan that just walked by??? No.
(REMINDER: Bellevue)

INTERMISSION

I figure I should make another bathroom run because I know if I go during the concert I will miss something crucial like Nathan doing his first solo or Caleb announcing he’s growing his hair long again.

I head out and walk a mile before I find the first Woman’s bathroom. The line is scary long and all of a sudden I really have to GO. Luckily it moves quickly. I race to the open stall where my theory has been confirmed-women are gross.

I get back to my seat and watch the crew set up. Nacho expertly tapes the cords in place. I don’t really hear any of the famous NACHO chants I’ve heard about. But then again maybe the sound just hasn’t traveled up here yet. I’ll give it another 30 min.

Oh God! I see my view obstruction heading towards me. Damn, he’s got to be 6’4 and he’s acting like an asshole. What a tool. I have no problem kicking him in the back of the head if need be.

Nacho is tuning Matt’s guitar and there’s that cool white bass Jared plays. I would think being a roadie would be a sucky job. But then again I just don’t like to do any sort of heavy lifting, or taping, or cleaning for that matter. I wonder if there are any girl roadies?

The tool and his friends are all tall.

I wonder if the mic height is based on how tall they are. From this level that would make Matthew and Jared ¼” tall and Caleb ¾” tall.

Time check 9:07!!!!WTF!!!
Put down the Bong Nathan, and get your ass out here!

Right now I have the perfect view but I know the John Mayer look-alike Tool Boy and the rest of his kit will ruin it, tall bastards.

As for the crowd…
OMG! HERE COMES KOL!

WOOOOHOOOO!

Again, overwhelming feeling: I can’t believe I’m here!!!!

CRAWL
Ah the sweet smell of pot just filled the stadium, must be Nathan’s natural scent.

TAPER JEAN GIRL
Eh, not a big fan of this song

MY PARTY
This song bugs me because of the whole Rachael Bilson thing…what? Come on dude!

Caleb looks really pumped. And he’s wondering around the stage a lot. I didn’t think they moved. They’re all in their standard black and grey. I love Caleb in a vest. He’s having a good hair night. Jared and Matthew are in leather jackets looking hot (I mean literally).
Jared has some tentacles hair thing happening but it looks cute. He’s got some patchy scruff going on but that too looks good.
(Don’t give up on it honey, you got to go through the bad to get to the good, if not there’s always beard extensions.)

I love it when Caleb mimes the songs, even the hearing impaired can enjoy their live performance. Very generous.

MOLLY’s CHAMBERS

Goddamn people who show up late. Knocking into me, grrrr
It is now officially packed! Wow, Matt is rocking Molly. Go Matty.
CLOSER

Hmm it’s Jared playing the casio not Nacho. Oh well.

Mmm more pot sme…..CRAP!!! Another tall guy just got here and he’s taller then the tool kit squad!!!  Is this the song where Matt plays the guitar with his mouth? Tool Guys prevented me from seeing that.

FANS!

MY FAV, I love this song.

REVELRY

A big smile comes across Caleb’s face when the audience sings along. No doubt he’s having a similar “Oh my God I can’t believe I’m here,” moment.

MILK

Another one of my fav’s.

They show fancier video’s on the Jumbtron when the play songs from OBtN album.

The view of the jumbtron is obstructed by the speakers and I can only see half of Nathan but even half a Nathan is still Hot.

I think I’m sweating just as much as Caleb.

Matt’s hair seems a lot longer. I like it better like this.

Caleb is putting his sweat rag to good use.

FOUR KICKS

Oooo cool light show.
Jared goes into headshake mode. Awesome.

WASTED TIME

Eh, I’d rather hear Soft. Matt is rockin out. But when doesn’t he rock out, really.

Caleb SPEAKS!!!
He tells me (ok us, whatever) He’s been dreaming of this moment his whole life.
Through out he thanks everyone over and over. Seems very humble.

Tells everyone to sing along to the next song and we oblige.

SEX ON FIRE

You can hardly hear Caleb sing, especially during the chorus. Caleb seems to get a kick out of this.

My one complaint is there is way too much video of Caleb only. They showed one shot of Jared and I thought my ears were gonna bleed from the girly squeals.

Nate should have a jumbotron dedicated only to him.
I don’t know why they don’t use the jumbotron in the middle. That would’ve been perfect.

(MUST kill Tool. Luckily he only knows songs off of OBtN, He’s freaking out right now).

SLOW NIGHT SO LONG

Oooo Caleb is doing that little dance; he looks like he’s sneaking up behind someone to scare the crap out of him or her. The sneaky dance. TOO CUTE!!!

He’s traveling all over the stage giving the side crowd their own little show.

THE BUCKET

Right now is the time to see them on tour. There’s not a stinker in their song catalog.
Who knows, 20 years from now we may all have to suffer through a Rolling Stones “Steel Wheels” type promotional concert tour just to get to the classics. That and “Caleb Followill Rock of Love,” are my biggest fears.

Tool boy has no idea what this song is.
“Bucket? What Bucket? Why the fuck is he singing about a bucket?”

NOTION

I’ve neglected this song; I have to listen to it more, and again with the awesome video during a latest album song. Caleb is displaying some extra sexy raspiness in his voice during this song. I definitely noticed more clarity and confidence in his singing

MCFEARLESS

Mmm yummy spliff just lit up 2 rows ahead.

ON CALL

Ewww gross, Caleb just spit. Hmmm there’s something about this song he doesn’t like. He’s doing some kind of hand gesture thing to the sound guy. Or else he’s telling Jared to steal home.

USE SOMEBODY

Holy crap the crowd is going bonkers!!!!!
Americans definitely know more from this album then any other album. A little from Because of the Times but not much.

Having a moment….”can’t believe I’m here”…. continue

COLD DESERT

Looks like all the boys around me in the audience are taking the opportunity to make a play on their dates. Interesting. OOPS! Some guy just brushed up against my boob when he walked by, there’s my play for the evening.

TRANI

Clove cigarette smell fills the air.

Wow, this isn’t the reaction I was expecting. Again this is Americans not familiar with anything but their most recent stuff. And where is Jared’s screaming freak-out head banging, gyrating moment. I’m so disappointed. Caleb delivered though.

ENCORE

OOOOOO NATE! Guzzles and chucks!!!
SWEET JESUS!
HOW MUCH HOTTER CAN YOU GET!

I’ve made a new friend while we wait for the encore, a sweet woman who got tickets at the very last minute. She asks me who my favorite King is, Duh… Look at me; I look like I just walked out of Woodstock with all my hippie bohemianess going on. NATE LOVER right here!!!

KNOCKED UP

MANHATTAN
Caleb tells the crowd. This is the Biggest and Best moment of his life. So sweet.

CHARMER
I love this video. Caleb is reenacting it on stage as we speak.

BLACK THUMBNAIL

I think I actually had a little orgasm when he said, “Guitar Go Get Her”!

Wow, Jared booked off stage, maybe he has to pee.
Oh, there’s my beloved Nate front and center. Look at those fucking arms. I just want to lick his TATTS!

Caleb does his cute little double hand wave and throws some lucky soul his sweat rag.
I wonder how much that will go for on Ebay.

Good-bye boys. No doubt they are off to some fabulous after party filled with celebs and beautiful people. I hope they had a blast cause I sure did.

EXODUS
(…Yes, there’s more)

I swear I am being physically carried down the steps of the escalator and out the door by the mass of people exiting the Garden. How the hell did I get outside? My goal was not to leave the building. Oh well, I walk around the corner to get back into Penn Station. I stop at Nathan’s Hot Dogs and get a Nathan’s Lemonade. OMG! Did I subconsciously stop here? Hmmmm… too ladylike to make any Nathan’s Hot Dog jokes but definitely
wondering if his tattoo’s taste like lemonade. Yes, it’s my fantasy and they most definitely do.
I make my way to NJ Transit gate area and wait for the 11:40 train to Trenton. I eavesdrop on a group of girls who are imitating Calebs sneaky dance and listen to them trying to mimic his hi-pitch squeal that ends up being a lot more annoying then cute. I watch a group of young boys in their tight jeans and long hair pretend to watch the monitor while sneaking glimpses of the girls and their antics. Supportive fathers who escorted their sons to the concert are now stressing over the train schedule departure times.

I get on a double-decker commuter train and take the first seat I can find. The girl next to me rolls and unrolls the KOL poster she bought, and the boy in front of me calls his mom to tell her he’s on his way home and says, “It was beyond words, Mom.”

I’m kind of glad I have a long commute ahead of me. I’m still wired and my left eyeball is burning. I’m left handed and it’s only my left eyeball that ever hurts. I wonder if Nathan’s left eyeball ever hurts him.

DAMN…. I forgot to stop at Bellevue.

Thanks Guys!
You are blessed.

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